Sexual well-being is more than just fucking

Sexual well-being; ever thought about it before? I’m not talking about your sexual health regarding STIs, genital healthiness and procreation. I’m talking about the well-being of your sexual self; your sexual self-esteem – call it what you will (but sexual well-being is a pretty cool term). How is the state of your fucking? Fucking others and/or of fucking yourself – how is that? If quantity matters to you, what are your numbers like? If quality matters to you, how’s that going? For me, sexual well-being is more about quality rather than quantity and I don’t judge those who like to keep tabs (I was once one of those; proudly so). Rather, I see it as how my relationship is with my sexuality and sexual self. When I masturbate, am I using my imagination? Toys? Porn? I notice the edges of shame start to creep in if I find myself relying on porn too much to masturbate. And in the past I have honestly felt a form of addiction to porn and like I could feel my brain pathways being reinforced and equating orgasm ONLY with porn consumption. Knowing what we know now about the brain and what ‘fires together wires together‘ (otherwise known as neuroplasticity, let’s through some sophisticated terms around here), I worked hard to reduce my porn consumption because it ultimately didn’t fit with having a good sense of sexual well-being. Because I kept using something fundamentally external to me in order to produce what should be an internal experience. That is, that instead of connecting to my pussy/yoni/vagina and clitoris, I was disconnecting myself from those parts and from me and attaching myself to moving images on a screen; not good.

I love porn. Still do. It has a place and it’s given me some damn fantastic orgasms and has inspired me and helped decrease shame I have had around particular sexual fantasies (BDSM, intense domination, being used, being forced – all fairly common sexual fantasies of women it turns out). But too much of a good thing can be shit and counterproductive. And of course, porn is definitely not a good way to learn about sex, sexuality, relationships and bodies. It is a very poor sex education tool that unfortunately easily fills in the silence in families and schools and society (as a big generalisation) around sex for children and adolescents. Which is just insane.

Oh look….I have wandered off *chuckles*

Sexual well-being can include porn, and most definitely includes masturbation. And of course sex, oh yes sex! But when I say sex, I mean the zillions of different ways people can have ‘sex’. I’m not just talking about penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex. I also mean penis-in-mouth, penis-in-ass, dildo/sextoy/vegetable/object/fingers in vagina/mouth/ass, no penises, no pussies, no penetration at all to triple (or more) penetration. It can be eye-gazing, hugging and stroking. It can be phone sex, sexting, cam-sex, fingering, fisting, kissing (tongue or no tongue), spitting, swallowing, licking, sucking, rubbing, humping, talking, breathing, anything! To borrow from the BDSM community, if it’s SSC (safe sane consensual) then pretty much anything can be included in one’s sexual well-being. In a sexual repertoire of sorts; which can be as broad or as narrow as one likes and which can change over time. Finding and joining a site like fetlife completely blew up any previous narrow notion I had held about the scope of sexuality and sexual well-being. That site and the people on it were pivotal in discovering an entire side of myself I had never acknowledged. The more I explored the site and myself through multiple incredible experiences, the more my sexual well-being increased. Sure, I put myself into some very painful (consensual) experiences but Jesus the pleasure and learning was profound. It changed me permanently and I am so grateful for that discovery. For following my gut and my pussy in responding to a Tinder profile that lead me down a path of dominance and submission. It was a side of me that was aching to get out – busting to emerge and be heard and attended to. Without doing that, I had actually been compromising my sexual well-being.

And let’s talk about compromise shall we?

I talk from the perspective of someone with a vagina, so bear that in mind. I know that I, as a woman, compromised extensively and for many, many years on my sexual well-being. I hid in shame and secrecy. I had powerful mind-blowing orgasms alone, but rarely had them with anyone else (predominantly men). I simply refused unconsciously to let that happen. Or I’d get an explosive headache at orgasm (fuck me, these leave me feeling like I’m being punished for having an orgasm). The parallels in the rest of my life were evident – in my body, in my work, in my relationships. I was hiding myself, despite a desperate desperate desire to be something and someone different. How’s that for denial? Sexual well-being does not involve denial; it involves the opposite. Whilst you don’t have to be dancing from a rooftop in your favourite get-up of bound breasts, ball-gag and a collar, it does involve rigorous self-honesty. Been faking orgasms? Been putting up with being relentlessly pounded and bracing as your cervix gets thumped? Been quiet about where you want his/hers fingers to go? How to be kissed? Where to kissed? How many fingers you want inside you? What words or sounds you want to hear? Does your pussy feel essentially numb? Do you ever look at it? Touch it inside? Do you masturbate at all? Do you want something in your ass but you’re too afraid to mention it? Do you say yes when you mean no, and no when you mean yes (and not in a sex-play kinda way)? Do you want to be taken by force? Do you share your sexual fantasies? Do you even acknowledge them to yourself?

Let’s get real here.

Sexual well-being is self well-being. It’s validating and using a crucial part of yourself (without it none of us would exist, recall) for your own good. It inspires and creates life, and the many endless possibilities that are creatively possible as a result of that. Think about that for a second. We’re talking immense power in sexual energy and sexual well-being. We’re all sexual. We all feel pleasure. We all have the right to sexual freedom and sexual well-being. It’s dishonouring of the life we have been given not to attend to this, plain and fucking simple. Sexual well-being is honouring life, God, the Universe. Being healthy in one’s ‘sex life’ is part of living a grateful, blissful and inspired holistic life. It’s bullshit insulting not to otherwise. Use your free will to develop this. Pleasure is a choice, and so is sexual well-being.  

Published by The Pleasure Advocate

A pleasure seeker like every human, I have a background in therapy and health, and am a passionate student of human sexuality. I'm a pleasure-inclusive sex educator, writer, lover, mother, and sexual explorer. May (consensual!) pleasure be yours always, Melanie x

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