The stunted orgasm

The orgasm. Possibly the best reason for being alive in a healthy, feeling, working body. It’s possible that death may be one long orgasm (who says it isn’t?), but in terms of the physical sensations and reverberations of an orgasm, being alive is where it’s at. La petite mort (the little death) is an intriguing and I’d say accurate description of an orgasm. The brief death of the ego in the seconds (or minutes if you’re doing the tantra-thing) that an orgasm exists is a profound thing. It is followed by a return to consciousness, a flooding of hormones and a re-positioning of oneself back to reality.

(Side note: The site Beautiful Agony is a brilliant display of the human face at the moment of orgasm sans pornographic acting)

One could easily argue (in fact it would be barely be an argument at all) that the pinnacle of pleasure is the orgasm. That millions – billions – of people alive today are all craving this state of momentary perfection and nirvana is testament to that. And if they’re not, they’re either lying, have never had an orgasm or have found it difficult to obtain. At our core, I believe humans are deep pleasure seekers – we’re pleasure sluts – and pain avoiders (but let’s talk about the delights of BDSM another time). A mind-blowing orgasm can almost change your life (e.g. a kundalini awakening – I sadly haven’t had one of those…yet, but sex has changed my life). Or at the very least, can make you fall a little deeper in love with the power of the body and mind to break through consciousness into an altered state of being. An orgasm can peel away stress, it can liberate, it can shatter illusions and fears, and it can make you believe in God; even for a brief moment. Alternatively, it can evoke deep shame, frighten, distort and even severe us from ourselves. It all depends on how one interprets an orgasm; how one makes meaning of (aside from excruciating pain) the most intense physical sensations a person will ever experience.

Orgasms, like pleasure, are laden with infinite meanings. This can make them rather a fraught experience to (have the choice to) have. If you let it, I suppose (a la overthinking). It’s not uncommon to experience a lot of shame from wanting and experiencing an orgasm. Sometimes there is a lot of internal conflict about how one has them, where one has them, how often one them, and who one has them with. Personally I noticed deep differences at times, between an orgasm alone and an orgasm with another person. And within those, there were further differences still. I wonder if any two orgasms are the same? Surely not; surely every one is unique and is nuanced even if in the minutest of ways.

Particularly mind-blowing orgasms leave a lasting memory and kind of an imprint in the body, mind and soul. Very focused and intense orgasms occur when one almost climbs inside ones body and genitals, and can see in the minds eye pleasure-in-motion from within the mind. Like ‘seeing’ the pleasure as it is being experienced. Of a sensation of the body becoming silver shimmering waves lifting off the bed and ascended towards the heavens. Like a layer peeling off the body and returning to the ether and of becoming an element of fine silver metal; weightless and dissolvable.  Some orgasms feel capable of shifting the physical body into an energetic state of pure being. 

Difficulties in orgasm whilst not unique to women, are nevertheless very common still amongst women. Make no mistake, I believe this issue is largely mental and psychological for women (but not all) women.  Or, if an orgasm is ‘achieved’, it is defiantly stunted. And how disappointing that is to feel it be:


Toned down.

Cut off.


A stunted orgasm is a further frustration but at least it is some sort of orgasm…yes? Hmmm

The stunted orgasm communicates much, as all actions do. It is a strange sort of suffering; of pleasure and ….nothingness where something big should be.

Perhaps for some people there is a block in relation to the ‘sharing’ or ‘giving away’ an orgasm with/to someone else.  There is a refusal to fully allow in an orgasm ‘given’ to one by another person. It stubbornly holds on, but that stubbornness is just a little bug of huge fear. 

It is fear of literally and metaphysically opening up to someone else.  To truly abandoning oneself in the presence of another person, in a deeply and profoundly intimate moment.  More intimate than most of us care to believe.  It’s an intimacy that is extraordinarily unique. It’s an interconnected and multidimensional intimacy with oneself, with God and with another person/people (if they are present). An orgasm opens you up to a chasm so wide, so deep, and so vast it transports you – potentially – to another (but the same) universe. It transcends one’s humanness and yet is a deeply human biological response to stimulation.

But maybe I am over-thinking it.

There is a strange paradox of allowing oneself to experience a little death when alone but not with someone else (if stunted orgasms are a frequent occurrence during partnered sex). Orgasms shared with another person can be amazing if you allow yourself to open up, truly. But so many of us still fight this off. Instead of putting down our weapons (defences) and welcoming in a lover, we quietly barricade ourselves in a place no one can touch.  We are only fighting ourselves; giving in to endless fears and anxieties.  Because so many of us believe deep down, that we don’t deserve deep pleasure.  That we don’t deserve un-stunted orgasms. That if we are truly seen, truly exposed, truly open, the other person will run screaming.  That they will be disgusted, horrified, repulsed by the depths of our ecstasy.  Because we are afraid of our own ecstasy.

And so the stunted orgasm lives on.

Published by The Pleasure Advocate

A pleasure seeker like every human, I have a background in therapy and health, and am a passionate student of human sexuality. I'm a pleasure-inclusive sex educator, writer, lover, mother, and sexual explorer. May (consensual!) pleasure be yours always, Melanie x

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