Sex and the new year

I figure that if you’re still alive by the time the new year comes around, then the Universe is telling you that you still have shit to do. A new year really IS a new opportunity that’s been gifted to you. It’s like the Universe is saying ‘Here, have another go!’, or ‘This year kinda sucked for you, try again’, or ‘This year went so well for you, here’s another one to keep up the good work!’.

Or something like that šŸ™‚

Regardless of what you believe about a new year or the Universe (and I’m not saying dead people used up all their opportunities and so subsequently got snuffed out), there is definitely a sense of new beginnings in a new year. And, really, a new year can occur 3 times: the calendar new year, the Chinese new year, and the astrological new year. Bonus bonus bonus!

New year of course is full of stupid attempts at new years resolutions and goal setting and all that wank that fizzles out by the time February (or January 2nd) comes along. It’s been rare in my life that I’ve been successfully been able to actually to complete a new years resolution. And when I have, within 2 years it’s back at square one. Disheartening to say the least, but really, if we’re dealing with long-established patterns and neural pathways creating long-standing habits, it IS going to be difficult to change. Maybe it’s my age and stage too. By the time you enter into your 40s, you really start to see yourself in action over the passage of time. It becomes frighteningly clear how difficult it is to recreate yourself or create new habits. The groves have been well and truly formed and the water can’t help but flow down that path over and over again, despite one’s best attempts to dam it up and deviate the stream (or raging river) elsewhere.

A much better way (a more inspiring and frankly exciting way) to look at the new year through the lens of your sex life, your sexual sense of self and your sexual well-being. You start with a review of sex in 2019:

  • Did you have any sex goals that you achieved in 2019? If yes, woo hoo! Do you want to build on these in 2020? If no, what got in the way of achieving them?
  • What was incredible sexually satisfying for you in 2019?
  • What sucked sexually (apart from sucking cock, that is perfectly fine) for you in 2019? Why?
  • What did you learn (if anything) about yourself sexually in 2019? Reflect on this…
  • Did anything change (for better or worse) for you sexually in 2019? Why? How?

After a review, you can start moving onto 2020 and how to make it the best fucking year ever (literally):

  • What sex goals do you have for 2020? (Remember, shoot for the moon – even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars ie. Dream big! You only have one life and even if you don’t quite get there, just having this intention and desire to expand and explore your sexual landscape will change and open things up for you)
  • What needs to change in 2020 for you in order to fulfil your sex wishes?
  • What would you like to work on and learn about sexually in 2020?
  • What do you want to not repeat in 2020? How can you do this?
  • Do you have a plan? Where can you start? What can you actually do to get the ball (or balls) rolling?

And on it goes…

Sex goals are really no different to any other goals you might have set for yourself (aka new year resolutions) previously. They’re just more awesome because they’re focused on pleasure and bringing forth your sexual self in a new way. And I know that for many people their sexual well-being isn’t even a blib on the radar of self-care. Which is fucking crazy. Orgasms are the best. things. ever. Why would you not want to focus on this??

But seriously, why not? I believe there are many reasons for people to completely neglect or ignore this side of themselves. They float along, frustrated, bored, dry, soft, ashamed and depressed about their sex life and sexual sense of self. They probably don’t know that they even have a sexual sense of self and that sexual well-being is important. That being sexually nourished will expand your life no end, let alone infuse your cells with divine creative ecstatic energy.

So what’s the problem here? How about some of these:

  • Ignorance
  • Shame
  • Fear
  • Needing permission (why? From who?)
  • Lack of knowledge
  • Lack of opportunity

These are all extremely common problems and are also extremely possible to fix. Look over your sex goals and start thinking about how you might start working on some of them. Goals can be wanting something new, expanding on what already is, or decreasing or ceasing something old (and probably problematic). Examples:

  • Have a threesome for the first time (FFM or MMF or FFF or MMM or FFT etc etc etc). An oldie but a goodie!
  • Try swinging
  • Really learn about female sexual arousal and the female body (I cannot recommend enough this book by Sheri Winston (Women’s Anatomy of Arousal)
  • Start squirting/learn how to make a woman squirt
  • Explore BDSM
  • Try pegging
  • Sex in XYZ location/more adventurous sex
  • Explore sexual fantasies
  • Try anal sex (receiving or giving)
  • Get good at giving head/eating pussy
  • Stop watching porn (or start watching as a couple)
  • Watch different sorts of porn (ethical porn, feminist porn etc)
  • Masturbate more often/explore the use of sex toys
  • Open up your relationship and/or explore polyamory (these are 2 different things)
  • Explore Tantra
  • Start having sex
  • Consciously abstaining from sex
  • Visit a sex club

Really it’s up to your imagination and giving yourself true permission to explore your sex goals. And, if you’re in a couple, it of course starts with conversation and communication. If this is difficult do something about it. Seriously, go to couples counselling and/or see a sex therapist. If you’re single and struggle to allow yourself to allow to explore some sex goals, likewise, seek help. It’s common for people to find themselves sexually blocked or stuck because of past experiences such as trauma or abuse. Or being shamed for a desire or an experience you had. Don’t let this get in the way of you living your best sex life; you deserve to take back what may have been stolen from you or damaged. Work on yourself, it’s worth it!

Take your sex life, your sexual well-being and your sexuality/sexual sense of self seriously. Start in 2020 and watch your world glow. Surprise yourself. Surprise your partner(s). Sex is part of life, and life is for experiencing, growing and learning about yourself.

You have permission to make 2020 a year of incredible (and possibly very healing) sex. So get cracking šŸ™‚

Published by The Pleasure Advocate

A pleasure seeker like every human, I have a background in therapy and health, and am a passionate student of human sexuality. I'm a pleasure-inclusive sex educator, writer, lover, mother, and sexual explorer. May (consensual!) pleasure be yours always, Melanie x

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