Recently this term dropped into my head: Sexual nourishment. It came after my partner had said he wondered if he’d ‘dropped the ball’ a bit on attending to my sexual needs. I mean really attending to them, not quick fucks or quick pointless (did I actually just say that?!) orgasms from the vibrator wand. He’d noticed that I’d stopped sending him as many naughty (ok, porn from Tumblr, or what’s left of it) pics over the last couple of months. Really? I said, I thought I still was. Perhaps he wasn’t feeling sexually nourished either, and suddenly here we were both feeling a little sexually hungry, despite actually having lots of sex. So what was going on (going wrong)?
Being sexually nourished means attending to your (and your partner(s)) serious sexual needs. The kind of needs and kinks that are deeply satisfying and carry you for days. Forms of sexual nourishment for all genders chop and change all the time. One minute a good quick hard fuck with deeply pounding of some sort might be awesome. Another minute (hello a woman’s moon cycle) slow sensual connected sex with lots of eye contact, holding and connecting might hit the spot instead. And of course, anything and everything in between. All of it is fine. We’re not robots and just as you might find sexual fantasies or porn preferences switch themselves up and down and all around sometimes (unless you get stuck on one particularly delicious scene which you know just hits the spot! But even that your brain will adapt to over time), so too will your sexual needs and what it means in any moment to be sexually nourished.
It’s worthwhile perhaps, to talk about what it feels and looks like to be sexually un-nourished (did I just make up a words?!). To be sexually starving. And by this I don’t mean just a lack of sexual acts, far from it. You may in fact be having tonnes of sex but feel…. empty and disconnected on some level. And with this unsatisfied feeling comes a distinct craving, and with craving there is danger. You’re craving more and more because what you’re having simply isn’t what you need.
OK, so imagine (or just recall, it may have been yesterday or this morning; no judgement here) you’re filling yourself with junk food. Imagine you’re slightly addicted to carbs – the kinda carbs that we all know are creating a wasteland of our bodies (white bread, muffins, cakes, biscuits, lollies, chocolate etc etc). The trap with too many of these types of foods and not enough balance of other foods (protein and good fats; no sorry you can’t include alcohol in this, mwah aha), is that you’re fundamentally malnourished and in a way starving. Your body is starving for real foods, nourishing foods. And the body will communicate loud and clear that it is not happy with what you’re piling into it (or not if you have anorexic tendencies).
So you’re filling yourself with you want. With what you crave because what you need isn’t entering the body.
Of course, there’s other ways to malnourish the body. Stress, lack of movement, excessive movement, excessive busy-ness, toxic relationships, toxic work, drugs, and any other behaviour which humans can delightfully mould into something unhealthy and fucked up.
To be sexually malnourished is to be having some sort of sexual contact with either yourself and/or another (or others) and yet feel….empty. Hollow, disconnected (from the self, let alone the other), doing it for the sake of doing it, serving someone else’s needs instead of your own. It’s a deep sense of dissatisfaction. It leaves you craving more…something. You might think that it’s more sex you crave, but it’s not. It’s the same shallowness and desperate craving an addict might experience. You know you haven’t had enough, but deep inside, you know there won’t ever be enough. Because actually it’s the wrong hole you’re trying to fill (no pun intended, I swear).
The whinging and complaining and tears and snippiness are all symptoms of sexual malnourishment. Akin to what the astoundingly glorious Kim Anami says is a condition she calls ‘Fukme‘ that exists in probably millions of women worldwide. These women (and we’ve all been a woman like this at one point in our lives) are desperately under-fucked as she says. I completely agree with this. It’s not just about being sex starved, it’s her version of being sexually malnourished. You can be pounded until you can’t walk. Flogged until you go numb. You can be having orgasms which feel…bluh. Or no orgasms at all. You can feel completely disconnected to your pussy/yoni. Completely disengaged to your partner sexually. But none of this means you are sexually nourished or fucked well.
Sexual nourishment is the kind of self or partnered sex which is exquisite. During the act itself – which is definitely NOT a 5 minute quickie – you’re taken to levels of feelings and sensations which create an unstoppable tsunami of an orgasm or orgasms. And not the sort of forced orgasms you can have from a vibrator or your own relentless insistence on coming. No. This goes beyond physical sensations and thankfully beyond the thinking brain. It’s being taken to another realm. It’s finding yourself in subspace (or topspace) if you’re into BDSM. It’s profound, inspiring, energising and profoundly connecting. Connecting to yourself, your partner but most significantly, to the Universe.
I initially wrote this blog post on the back of one of these experiences recently. After the type of orgasm that inspires writing, creativity and action, I realised that in fact I had been sexually malnourished. I hadn’t blogged in ages; I hadn’t felt inspired or motivated to. Writer’s block? Nah, just not being sexually nourished enough. I wanted to jump up (after a little smoochy doze and sex debrief) and write write write, with the coursing of sexual nourishment running through me. I felt alive. And it made me remember that I am in fact, deeply sexually, and without good fucking (or more specifically exquisite orgasms) I run dry. I run out. I wither. I starve but in the wrong way. I fall apart, little by little. I stuff myself with other things, I start to slowly loath myself. I push away, I pick, I defend and I fight. I obsess about the future and I cry about the past. I am completely not in this moment at all. But a GOOD deep orgasm pulls me right back into this moment. Into the only moment there ever is. I am reminded of how to get the fuck out of my head and into my body and into my soul. I remember who God is.
If you’re not having these kinds of experiences sexually, you’re definitely not being fed well. You’re most likely sexually malnourished and doing yourself a right disservice. And why the fuck are you doing that?
You’ll know when you’re sexually nourished. It’ll carry you for hours and days, maybe even a week. Your bliss will reside within you and linger; infusing itself into daily life experiences. The world will creep in and may start to drain you – but remember the symptoms of being sexually malnourished and do something out them when they start to creep in:
- Picking fights
- A numb vagina
- A near aversion to sex
- Excessive mind/pussy/cock numbing wanking (often to mind-numbing porn)
- Anger everywhere
- A sense of dullness in your life
- Dryness (pussy, skin etc)
Sexual nourishment however would look something like this:
- Smiling just because
- Exquisite awareness of beauty in the present moment
- Feelings of joy like a young child
- Feeling carefree and not giving a fuck
- Energised & powered up
- Deeply satisfied
- A sense of fullness in one’s life
- Wanting to share the love
- Sticking to boundaries (psychological and physical)
- Connected (to oneself, your partner, your God)
- Attractive (no matter what you look like)
- Sensual and just tingly with life in all parts of your body
How one sexually nourishes the self is a whole other matter. But if you’re curious, you’ll find the answers. The Internet wasn’t invented for nothing. Your hands are there to help you discover your sexual self. Your brain to help you learn. Your heart to help you connect. Everything you want and need is out there but most importantly it is in here; it is already in you. Everyone is capable of being sexually well nourished. It’s your birthright and your liberation. It will set you free and blow your mind. And if you keep it topped up, it can change your life.
So get fucking!