The sexual landscape

Let’s go exploring…. Or should I say that really, we’re all explorers, right from birth, and exploring our own sexual landscape is just one part of the exploration of the self and of our own life that we are born into. Humans are natural explorers and scientists. Anyone with a child will know this; they’re innate curiosity and compulsion (drive) to explore their own little world starts with breathing of air and opening of eyes. What is this place they might somehow wonder? Technically, exploration usually begins in the womb with thumb sucking, kicking and wanking already occurring.

One’s sexual landscape is limitless and infinite. A universe within a/the universe. Without end (assuming one is alive!), without walls or boundaries or limits, except those we believe to exist and the physical constrictions we all bound by (I can’t walk through a wall, for instance). But they don’t, not really. Even the most depraved and disturbed edges of one’s sexual landscape are only held in place by external rules (developed into laws) and internal morals and ethics, which are usually bound together to stop us acting out these fantasies. One must not, of course, act without consent and with intentional harm. And not to be confused with what I’d describe as humanity’s sexual landscape, so excellently conceived and interactively illustrated in the Human Sex Map by Franklin Veaux (explore it with a dictionary and a very open mind and blow some little brain cells apart).

The sexual landscape…So many possibilities and images spring to mind. My partner recently beautifully described struggles to orgasm despite being so close, to climbing up a mountain (orgasm mountain) and when you’re so close to the peak, you fall off and tumble down. For me when that happens, I often tumble down pretty far – halfway back down the damn mountain and all because I heard the soft snapping of a little twig (to continue on the nature-based analogy). For my partner, it’s usually just an overly forceful attempt to come (putting pressure on himself) and he only falls down a few metres. He rests, breaths, we chat and reconnect, then he’s somehow right back near the top in an instant. Whereas my pussy might suddenly feel a bit dry (why the fuck am I suddenly in a desert?) and empty. I have to climb the mountain all over again, unless he’s decided to snack on my pussy again in which case I enter green lushness fairly quickly – it’s like a cable car express trip up the mountain (or what is even faster is application of the wand, holy bejesus is that thing a short cut to intense sharp pleasure!).

The concept of the mountain though is somewhat limited – it needs to be like mountains, plural. This is entering into Tantric or Daoist concepts of pleasure, sex and orgasm; where one orgasm is just the tip of the iceberg (an iceberg being an inverted water mountain). And the concept of being in an orgasmic state comes into play here: rather than one orgasm being the pinnacle of a sexual interaction (one mountain), being in an orgasmic state is more akin to flying through a mountainous range. Not only have you climbed the mountains (alone or with one other or with a few others) and effectively have reached the top, now you are somehow able to float and fly above them. Lifting off from the high earth beneath you carried by the energies of the mountain into the ether; a powerful force indeed.

Sometimes it’s easy to climb the mountain with the help of the plastic and neon corner of this landscape; otherwise known as porn-land. Porn-land seems to be spreading and is somewhat infectious, but it is also enticing and effective. I’ve written before that I’m a fan of porn, always have been, even when I was ashamed of my lust and intrigue for it. I’ve managed to largely un-wire and rewire my brain around porn, after feeling seriously addicted to it (it’s just a brain learning thing because what fires together wires together as they say [Donald Hebb, 1949]) for many years. I used to feel particular shame around being female and loving it so much but now thanks to the lovely internet and my own change from being sex-shamed (I wouldn’t say sex negative per se) to sex positive, I’m cool with it. More than cool; I’m accepting of my fascination and excitement about it AND I now choose to explore other avenues to get off, especially when alone.

I digress! See how alluring porn is? Even in writing it lures me in. Let’s blame porn for everything shall we?

Sometimes my sexual landscape is a beach, and I start out walking along holding hands with my lover, somehow traversing both sexual landscapes together. We’ve started on this path and we’re walking towards the beach. The sand is soft, a bit squeaky and mildly warm. The sun is the same, warm enough to surround us in this bath of supreme comfort. It doesn’t burn us or blind us, it comforts and encourages us. We approach the water and we start to dip our toes in; the temperature is so perfect it is hard to discern one’s body from the water. This blending of sensations and inputs from the outside world start to enter inward, into both of us yet separately. Already it is a profoundly unifying and somewhat spiritual process.

Sometimes my sexual landscape is the ocean, which I find curious. On the one hand it makes sense being that I identify as a cisgender female and feminine energy in a Tantra-sense is all about water, flow, soft curves and feelings; but fucking in the water? Even in the shower? Not my favourite thing. As beautiful and natural as it feels, I find the water outside of me overwhelms the water inside of me. I seem to lose lubrication via dilution, and friction ensures. Not fun despite the erotic idea of fucking in the water. Masculine energy is about earth, solid lines and shapes, groundedness, action and thought. Cocks can fuck anywhere I’ve come to realise. Bless those cocks.

Being deep in a sexual landscape should ultimately put one in a non-thinking state. Which for me is highly is unusual (and probably so for many people, especially women. Do our brains ever fucking shut up? Actually research – yay research! – has found that a quietening of the brain needs to happen for women as they approach orgasm. Makes sense huh?). Usually I’m at least thinking about the approaching orgasm.  Entering into the fascinating sexual landscape of BDSM changed my life when I found that being in a submissive role almost completely shut down my thinking; for the first. Time. Ever.  The liberation and sheer relief of that was life-altering. Seriously.  Here I am now blogging about sex and my sex life and studying sexology; after ditching my former occupation.  Seriously. I had thought Tantra was ecstasy-inducing but BDSM blew that out of the water.  It helped me remember who I am.

Profound sexual experiences can change your life.  I am proof of that.

When you open the door to a sexual landscape(s) you had no idea even existed is like being reborn.  It is a gift not to be wasted.  It is an opportunity to explore – really truly deeply explore – not just your sexual self but you whole self, riding on the wave of human sexuality.  The sexual landscape is really a sexual universe.  It is THE universe.  It is God as we are God; bubbles of pleasure and life and drive towards bliss, pleasure and ecstasy.  It is our natural state.  Our bodies are a landscape, our brains are a landscape, but it our mind that holds the true landscape (and answer) to self-knowing through sex.

Think of the orgasm.

When you melt into the notion of pleasure, when you truly absolutely surrender (and this requires a fair amount of trust and connection), the body takes over and just makes the decision to orgasm. Or, more accurately, with the mind shut down the body process is allowed to just happen.  You can just hand over your body to the sensations and experience an almost dream-like experience of me, us and pleasure.  It is meeting the Universe far beyond any landscape you originally entered.  It is of moving beyond the body and being like particles spreading throughout the Universe. Of not just floating above the sexual landscape, but of being the landscape.

Pleasure at this level can take you to a place without definition. A place that can’t be explained and comprehended due to the limitations of our own minute conscious brain.

The sexual landscape is where we start from. It holds shape and form, and hope. But don’t expect to still be there when you’ve literally lost your mind in orgasmic bliss. This is a place beyond human comprehension. This is a place like death, and rebirth.

Published by The Pleasure Advocate

A pleasure seeker like every human, I have a background in therapy and health, and am a passionate student of human sexuality. I'm a pleasure-inclusive sex educator, writer, lover, mother, and sexual explorer. May (consensual!) pleasure be yours always, Melanie x

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