I’ve been debating whether to write anything in relation to what is happening around the world right now. But here I am, acknowledging it and writing about it. Really, it seemed unavoidable. By that I mean, I felt kind of silly writing about pleasure, sex and orgasms in the midst of a global pandemic. But on the flipside to all the self-isolating going on (and assuming you’re well and not infected/affected), there is a lot to be gained pleasure-wise when confined indoors.
(Of course, if you have children with while indoors, that is an unfortunate restriction on just how much self or partnered pleasure you can engage in!)
I feel sorry for the swingers and wild sexual explorers out there right now. And one has to consider those in polyamorous dynamics, or with multiple sex partners, or open relationships. How on earth do you manage that during this time? For the brief time that I was in a poly dynamic, the head fuck alone of who goes where when and dealing with all the issues that frequently come up (why a man would want to juggle multiple women with all of our little hysteria’s – despite the possible increased opportunities for fucking – is beyond me. I’m a monogamist at heart, I confess) was stressful.
I guess we’re all having to calm-the-fuck-down and stop touching each other. It won’t be this way forever.
Perhaps what we’re experiencing now is a sort-of global reconfiguration the likes of which we have never seen before. But what happens to pleasure in amongst all of this panic? Is that still available to us right now?
Of course it is.
Aside from the small pleasures still found everywhere in daily life if you choose to see them (the sky, a child, birds, the trees, your favourite binge-worthy show, food, books, music, games, the Internet etc etc), there can be great scope for sexual pleasure to still be had – of course.
In fact, often never do people feel so alive than when faced with the possibility of death.
The opposite of death is sex. Death ends, sex creates. Very Scorpion-like energy really; that of transformation and going to the hidden depths of one’s soul. And yet we’re not in any energetic phase that is to do with Scorpio right now as far as I’m aware.
Not that I mean to be scaremongering here. And whist death is a real possibility for some people right now, my sense it is more the concept of disease and restriction that is more frightening.
And the panic. The panic is worse than the virus. Panic is a psychological virus that spread faster than any actual virus can.
Panic, fear, anxiety and death are all contracting energies. Of course, once death occurs there is a release. And it makes sense that an orgasm is often called ‘the little death (La petitie mort)’. A brief loss of consciousness is the definition of the french phrase la petite mort. Perhaps after this crisis has passed, there will be a release. An awkaening of something fresh and new and fundamentally transformed.
How transformed do you feel after you come? Even if briefly, it is a release and a relief. The energy that was building up, contracted and let go. It exited the body into the ether; back to the Universe. And so it goes on.
If we look at pleasure and pain on a continuum, and recognising that pain can be intensely pleasurable for some (hello to the pain sluts and masochists out there), panic kinda sits off on a tangent. For example, panicking during a pain experience during BDSM play creates problems. In effect, it can shut things down if receiver (the sub/submissive) calls red. Panic occurs when the mind becomes overwhelmed with the stimulus entering the body (visually, physically, through auditory means or smells) and cannot process what it is interpreting to be threatening. It may be linked to the past somehow (memories, traumas) or to the unfamiliar in the present moment.
Ultimately though, panic is about a perceived lack of safety.
With this real or imagined threat to one’s safety, we contract and constrict. We shut up shop (mass closures anyone?), run away, stop in our tracks, fight on or befriend.
Yep, I’m talking about the fight-or-flight system here. Which actually also includes freezing and (be)friending (aka Stockholm syndrome) and flopping. All responses to trauma. In a way, what is occurring around the world right now is traumatising. How can it not be?
So we have to work hard at staying especially calm right now. To stay open and loving; and literally open and loving. We can’t fuck well (sure you can fuck, but good will it be?) when you’re wrapped up in panic and fear and anxiety. (Unless you are a psychopath, then you might find it arousing…. Don’t judge me for cracking a joke right now!).
Good fucking requires calmness and relaxation, even when arousal builds. In Tantra, the goal is to stay super relaxed as arousal and orgasm builds. Which feels completely unnatural and the opposite to your urges when you first try this. But for women, this is especially important. Opening, softening, relaxing allow for more powerful and deeper orgasms.
And remember, the key to that is a having a sense of safety. Of trust and of faith.
Deep pleasure is an act of deep faith. It’s handing all that you are over to something much more powerful than you. To the most powerful energy on earth: that of sexual energy. So powerful it creates new life.
Think about that.
Think about the increased need for pleasure in fact, during a time like this. That calmness, good feelings, connection-despite-social-distancing and a commitment to pleasure are infinitely more helpful than panic and fear.
Stay safe, feel safe. Be well, feel well.
And don’t stop feeling pleasure; it’s your birthright even in the middle of a pandemic.