The pussy and cock series: Starting with the spiral

I’ve had an idea brewing for some time, to write a series of posts about the anatomical parts of both the female and male sexual anatomy. And this is the very start. Excitement! In this introductory post I’m going to write about the differences between female and male/feminine and masculine. Then – week by week and starting with all things pussy – I’ll break anatomy down into all the little (and big) parts, including the purpose and function of each.

Sounds yummy huh?

The reason I’m doing this is predominantly educational. I believe the more knowledge we have, the more power we have. And in relation to ourselves and our experiences of pleasure, this is a very good thing. You simple have to have a good (at the very least) understanding of your sexual anatomy, be familiar and comfortable with it, and how it all works. Then, having an excellent understanding of what turns you on (you first) empowers you to make the best choice(s) you can when it comes to solo or shared pleasure.

I’m hoping to widen your eyes and expand your mind. And encourage continued self-study both externally in the wide world (of the internet, let’s face it) and the inner world of your pleasurable body bits and brain. Speaking of brains, I’ll have a look at how the brain response is different between men and women when it comes to arousal and orgasm. Always handy to know 🙂

So let’s start with the basics: getting turned on, what happens? I like to think of arousal and pleasure in terms of a spiral. Everyone has a spiral, and depending on your sex (and I am using binary terms here, I am aware) how you awaken and activate the spiral is different.

Let’s start with men. Yay men! Men overwhelmingly liked to be touched virtually straight away in the middle of their spiral. i.e. Please touch my cock as soon as you can; it’s ready, I’m ready, let’s go! The masculine in much quicker to warm up. In fact, it doesn’t need a lot of warming up; cocks become erect many times a day and night, regarding of sexual stimulus. Men are like a fire that’s already burning away under the surface, already hot and raring to go.

The periphery of their spiral (as for women) is the rest of them. The balls, the ass, the lips, the broader body and the mind. Sure you can mess with a guys mind and sext him photos or words (“I want your cock in my mouth now“), but he doesn’t necessarily need that to get going. It doesn’t take much for the masculine to go from 0 to 8 in about 1 minute.

Some may be more than familiar with this…;)

Let’s look now at a woman. She’s like a slowly simmering pot that you want to bring up to boil. She also has a spiral but if you got straight to the centre of her spiral (say, the pussy) most likely she will shut up shop and refuse entry. Or, if she’s wanted to please/is over-riding her body/or is genuinely wet and horny already, she’ll let the cock in – to a dry and disconnected pussy. With the feminine, you need to start from the outside and work your way in.

Literally opening her up.

Meh, how hard can that be you ask?

Pretty fucking hard if you’re not on her wavelength or are completely immersed in yourself and your needs. If you know her well and would say you have an excellent connection with her, quick fucks are fine (and fun). But quick entry without any necessary preparation will not keep you in good steed – even if it looks like you are. Women are very good at lying to themselves (and thus, almost by accident lying to others) that everything is fine. That she’s happy and up for it.

Pffft. Don’t believe everything you hear from her. You need to be able to read the feminine. She is subtle and powerful. All behaviour is communication. All of it, man, woman, child, infant, animal. Learn to read her signals, her cycles, her patterns, her despair. Get beneath this and she’ll give you permission to enter all of her.

For a woman, you have to start with her mind. Yep, right on the outside of the spiral. I’m not saying you have to woo her, wine and dine her, write poetry or buy her flowers (or whatever else pretty shit she likes; it could be the latest lego release for all I know) every time you want to fuck her, but you at least have to be on a good standing with her. More than good.

She has to genuinely like a guy (again, I’m using hetero-normative language here) and feel positive, trusting and safe with him. Without that, you’re fucked (or not as the case may be).

Essentially, she has to start to let you in. You literally have to open a woman; metaphorically and literally. So you start from the outside, the outer layer, that is her head. A messy, dangerous and wonderful place that is.

(I’m allowed to say all this because I am proudly female. So ner.)

Connection established? Then you move onto (drum roll) foreplay. Geez what a 70s-style somewhat sleazy word, but that’s not the point. Whatever she likes, do it. Kissing? Hugging? Rubbing and dry humping? (high school memories are so fucking hot) Stroking? Neck hickies? Whispers? Hair pulling? Growling? Bound up? Grinding?

Do it all and take. your. fucking. time.

The slower you go, the deeper you can go.

Sacrifice a bit of your pleasure to tip her over into hers. Once you have her, you’ll really have her. She’ll be wanting to be fucked all the freaking time by the man who knows his way around and into her spiral.

Then the man can starting moving in closer. Does she like having her pussy eaten? Or at least touched? If not, why not? Really explore this with her. If you don’t like snacking on pussy, weeeeellll, I have no words for that, except What is your freaking problem??

Get your shit together and learn about her pussy (start with this blog!). Get to know about a woman’s pussy, breasts and any other body part she finds arousing.

Again, take. your. time.

I’m not saying you have to do this every time you have sex but if you lay out excellent groundwork from the get go (or at least a few weeks into a physically intimate relationship; whatever that specific relationship dynamic may be), like I said, she’ll want sex all the damn time.

And that’s a win-win for everyone in my books.

Am I painting a good enough picture yet with her spiral? Never – unless she specifically consents – go straight to her vagina. At the barest of bare minimums, go for the clitoris if you want a shortcut but even that can be fraught. Yes, it gets swollen and hard like a cock (more on that in one of the upcoming posts) and has more nerve endings than a cock, but it’s not a cock. So don’t treat it like one.

Sometimes she’ll be super horny because she just is. Sometimes it’ll take her an hour or 2 to warm up. Don’t argue about it, just accept it. Just as a guy can’t help nocturnal erections, so she can’t help the variations in her desire around her hormones, stress levels and endlessly chattering head.

Even when you’re snacking on her pussy, start from the outside in. I’m gonna say ‘tease’ her here. This is where rubbing, touching (lightly), patting, circling, can do wonders. Do not start shoving a finger or fingers into her vagina. Similarly for the clitoris, every woman is different anatomically and with their preferences.

Wait for her wetness.

Hence the incredible INCREDIBLE importance of connecting with her first. Literally feeling your way around her mind and body.

When she feels safe, she’ll open up. Further, wider, deeper, wetter.

All this before penetration (if that’s where you’re heading). Awesome!!!

Seriously, drag out a pleasure session for as long as you can. I refer to Kim Anami’s concept of the 3 hour sex date. Or of gourmet sex.

Why would you want anything less in your sex and pleasure life?

Getting to the heart of a woman is your goal. Within her genitalia, the cervix is considered in Eastern and alternative theories (read: non-medical/ mainstream) to be directly connected to the heart (her heart). There are courses you can do to awaken the cervix and have the holiest of orgasms: the cervical orgasm.

(Sigh. I’m still making my way through (slowly) all the courses I want to do. So many!)

Entering into a woman takes time, but may it lay you on holy grounds when you get there. Deep inside the body and mind. At the centre of her spiral.

You’ll both be welcomed there.

I’m aware I’ve written much much more about women than men. I usually do. I make no apologies for this. Aside from being female and owning a vagina, I genuinely believe that there is still TONNES of misinformation, not enough information, ignorance, conformity, abuse, misogyny and fear about women and their sexuality and desires in the world today.

Female pleasure has been labelled a dangerous thing throughout history; and this fear-based belief still exists today.

All because our anatomy and method is different (but actually we’re very similar in many ways; this will make sense later on),internal and life-creating. We can’t help that our sexual biology is so hidden from the world. Sadly it is still so often hidden from ourselves, because of own our fears, shame and anxieties passed on and promoted through the generations, society and the media.

But once you have an understanding of the basic and fundamental differences between masculine and feminine energies and desires, it starts to make sense. You can breath a sigh of relief because all it was, was a lack of information and fear of the unknown.

Both things that are perfectly fixable and changeable.

So! We’ve started with a spiral understanding of arousal in men and women, and next post we’ll start on the pussy series. Meow meow meow indeed.

I can’t wait! Hope to see you there x

Published by The Pleasure Advocate

A pleasure seeker like every human, I have a background in therapy and health, and am a passionate student of human sexuality. I'm a pleasure-inclusive sex educator, writer, lover, mother, and sexual explorer. May (consensual!) pleasure be yours always, Melanie x

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