Kink, letting go and learning

Kink changed my life. Dramatic statement I know, but it did. After initially diving into tantra after turning 40 and very much having an existential midlife crisis (which is still ongoing at 45…really?), I stumbled upon BDSM. Kink, fetish, BDSM, power exchange dynamics: all slightly different but all in the same ballpark.

And super super fun.

What tantra taught me about the polarities between the feminine and the masculine, kink extended this further. What tantra taught me about the feminine being open, receptive and in a state of surrender (true letting go and allowing oneself to be lead), kink taught me about submission.

Submission is what explained so much about myself that I never had words for. Submission normalised my desires and fantasies. Power exchange dynamics awakened not just a new world around me but a unexplored world within me. And it was and still is deeply powerful.

When you submit you trust. You trust and surrender in the most profound way. You take that feminine essence of surrender and you sink as far as you can go into it. You don’t just allow yourself to be led, you allow yourself to be bound. Or flogged, or whatever else the Dominant desires.

You hand yourself over willingly and the pleasure you receive in return is mind-blowing.

I explored tantra in the form of workshops I attended, blogs and books I read, I bought yoni eggs and crystal wands (dildos), and had a very personal session with a tantra practitioner about ‘awakening the inner goddess’. That session was sensual, sexual and involved a lot of trust. I practiced vocalising my pleasure, visualising drawing energy into my vaginal (aka re-training my body away from just clitoral orgasms to vaginal and cervical orgasms). I walked away buzzing.

Exploring BDSM was different. Ironically it’s only recently that I attended a BDSM 101 workshop in my city, with my partner – more to help him than me. At the time I dived into it I, well, dived into it. I met Doms online thanks to the likes of Tinder and I dared myself to try something different. Once I did there was no stopping me.

I truly let go and it was worth every second of anxious anticipation, fear of the pain which evolved into ecstatic pleasure and raging exploration.

I read, a lot. I found blogs and articles on BDSM and kink. I joined Fetlife which was a great teacher for me and helped me connect with so many other kinksters and was incredibly important in normalising what I wanted. Articles such as this about being a ‘better’ submissive are so useful to the fesh submissive who is falling into sub frenzy. I had no idea what I was doing, what I was feeling, what on earth it all meant and reading widely was a significant learning journey.

I remember stumbling across this blog of a Dom and it blew. my. mind. Never ever had I realized what was possible. What could be real if I so chose it to be. It turned me on just reading through his blog and something new cracked open in me.

Learning is all part of the journey. Be it tantra or BDSM or love or relationship dynamics or plain old fucking.

Never stop learning and new stop experiencing pleasure. It’s your birthright. The world is FAR bigger than you know; you just have to be willing to be brave and let go.

Published by The Pleasure Advocate

A pleasure seeker like every human, I have a background in therapy and health, and am a passionate student of human sexuality. I'm a pleasure-inclusive sex educator, writer, lover, mother, and sexual explorer. May (consensual!) pleasure be yours always, Melanie x

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